The Ten Commandments of Flying Etiquette

What we’d like the airlines to do for us, provide for us and change for us endlessly grows as the airlines seem to endlessly do less for us, provide less for us and change things more into a regiment than a pleasant experience…for us.

“For us” – what a concept. Aren’t we the ones paying the fares, taxes, surcharges, baggage fees, security fees, onboard food, upgrades…even for the right to sit in a certain row that supposedly has more legroom? And get this; Spirit Airlines just announced that they are now charging for carryon luggage. That’s right–carryon luggage! Insert “OMG” here! For shame, Spirit. For shame! That’s NOT the spirit.

Couple all this with the potential usual annoyances of being in a confined place with large numbers of people and well, maybe its time that the new Passenger Bill of Rights becomes more biblical. I propose The Ten Commandments of Flying Etiquette:

1. Thou shalt place thou carry-on bags in the overhead bin directly above thou seat -It’s frustrating to book a seat towards the front of the plane hoping to quickly get away upon landing, only to find the compartments above your seat are full. That means either waiting for everyone else to get off the plane or fighting your way upstream like a salmon to find your bag that ended up back about 15C. Passengers should be required to use the space allotted for their seat, and that’s it.

2. Thou shalt pack lightly and be rewarded– Its baffling how much people feel they need to bring with them while traveling. Folks–figure out how to do with less!! Please!! Trust me, you can do it. I’ve lead groups on 12 night journeys where someone was forced to go without their belongings due to lost luggage and you know what? They survived. And thrived! Buying a few things…borrowing a few things…and having a few things in their carryon made for a fine accompaniment of possessions. And how liberating it was to not have to schlep! I propose a free meal, free headset, free drink…or extra recline space for those who meet a certain lightweight standard.

3. Airlines shall tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth –Airlines should be required to clearly list all booking and in-flight fees up front. The new Passenger Bill of Rights is a start, but we need more. How about a real explanation about the flight delays? Admit when minor malfunctions are major — and that they should have been repaired the night before. Tell us as soon as you know we’ll have to go into a holding pattern and why. And stop padding the itinerary so you can boast about on-time arrival. Don’t insult our intelligence.

4. Though shalt respect thy need to share– A recent poll by Trip Advisor found that nearly 2/3 of respondants feel that large travelers should be required to buy two tickets. But even if your width stays within the confines of your seat, you’re still crammed in like a sardine. So we urge airlines to restore shrinking legroom back to the masses. Only JetBlue ensures passenger comfort in steerage. If we look at it from purely a safety standpoint, studies have found that minimum legroom standards help safeguard against blood clots, a potentially fatal risk for those spending lengthy immobile periods in cramped quarters.

5. Ye shall turn down the volume and turn up the service. Are, what amounts to 9 or 10 different announcements made on a 2 hour flight really necessary? First, its about taking your seat quickly, then its about storing your carryons, then where we’re going, what the weather is, the emergency talk (ok, this one’s necessary), how high we’re flying (does it really make a difference to you if we’re flying at thirty one or thirty two thousand feet?), then about food purchases…yada yada yada. Oh, and will someone please adjust the volume of the loudspeaker? I can’t hear my cellphone ring.

6. Cleanliness is close to G-dliness– especially at 30,000 feet in a confined airplane with recycled air.

7. If thou must pay, thee must clean– There’s a reason health professionals often cite aircrafts as virtual petri dishes. Collecting plastic cups, fast-food wrappers, and newspapers isn’t sufficient. Change every seat-back doily, spray disinfectant throughout the plane, and really scrub the lavatory. And we’d appreciate it if you would check the seats and seatback pockets for chewed gum.

8. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s need for sleep– Just because you can use your cell phone while we are taxiing to the gate doesn’t mean we need to hear every detail of where you’re going to meet your ride. And if you’re in a middle or window seat, please pee before takeoff so that those who you must disturb to do it right after takeoff don’t get peed off. Oh, and Ms. Flight Attendant–That drink cart that your racing up the aisle like Danika Patrick at the Daytona 500. It hurts when you bang the metal corner into my elbow. Slow the bleep down.

9. Airlines shall flock thou sheep in large fields– Imagine how much easier it would be if people could board using both the front and back of the plane. There’d be a less persistent threat to on-time departures (and annoying announcements about such). Those who attempt to board out of their “zone” or before their row number is called should be publicly shamed and sent to the back of the boarding line.

10. If your connection is tight, respect the angel in flight- The loudspeaker announcement requesting that those with a tight connection be allowed to deplane first, just doesn’t hack it. Keep the seatbelt sign on and escort those passengers off first. Then you won’t be holding planes for passengers delayed on other flights. That’s a win-win situation. And the crew should call ahead to the connecting flight and ensure the passenger can board (even if the bags don’t). Every once in a while, a sympathetic flight attendant will go out of their way to make sure people get where they need to go, but think how much nicer it would be if this was law.

Now…let us all say, Aaaaahhhmen!